http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XruZKwYoWEA

http://www.imeem.com/isuda/music/wmToPTN_/rue-du-soleil-missing/?rel=1

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think and belive I am free.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to presume I express or clarify MY ideas for the way I live my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think the words can express my inner state of being.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to deny the obvious in the existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to resist to admit the truth of my false existence.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to presume I exist only if the others notice me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to forget I can exist only HERE.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to be related to myself in wholeness.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to do myself an injustice.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feed my ego by feelings, emotions and desires.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my ego to lead and rule my life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to mix up my ego with me as who I am.to serve my ego and become its slave.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let become one with my ego, vanishing that way myself.

I do not need a permition of my ego to separate from it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear fear itself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself for not having the ability to recognize, accept,face and deal with the inner conflict with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to run from the inner conflict with me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to strive to be SOMEone, instead to be pure ONE.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel abused by other beings.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to realize that I create the abuse as a reflection of MY emotions and MY feelings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create self-abuse, underestimation and self-disrespect, yet react negative, blaming the others are causing that to me, not me to myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to fear being ashamed and disappointed with myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to play host to my mind,letting it entyrely to depersonalize me by creating deceitful multitude 'me'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to try to live in balance, for there is not such a state.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to ramble within polarities.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself and the others by my/their sex.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself in some states of my life to feel existing as a being from both sexes in the same time ( by my role in my children's life).

I am happy currently to define myself as a sexless being as a whole.

Whispering Sea

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kudI7o630ZQ&eurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww%2Eastrohoroscope%2Einfo%2Fmovie%2Ephp&feature=player_embedded

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that selfforgiveness demeans me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to escape from the responsibility I am the one, who creates my reality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a slave of my ego's illusions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself letting be emotionally blackmailed and acting under this supression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed of the mistakes I have done and continue to do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid and ashamed of the stones the others throw on me, then judge myself about it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think I must fight to deserve others' respect, friendship and love.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to act regarding of what the others will think about me.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that my self worth is the same as that of every other's, no more no less.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that selfforgiving and loving without needing anything from the others is my real protection not to be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that I abuse others when I hold them responsible for what I have created and still do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself exactly as I am - equal and one as life.

I appreciate and respect myself.

Weird

I closed my eyes and tried to withdraw from my thoughts, to be an observer.

It became a messy chaos and everything was going so quick, so I couldn't catch all of them. I was comletely awake and at some point I focused my look and I saw a path. It was a bit windy, the path narrow and gravel, but I knew I must go on. So I went further. It became quiet and I saw a gate. I've opened the gate and I entered a room. The only thing in the room was an wooden table and a small wooden bench. I sat on the bench and start waiting. I have no idea what/who I was waiting for. Just knew I have to wait. I stood up and approached the wall. There was a door on this wall. I've reached the handle to open it, but suddenly the whole wall opened ( in a way like the wall slided from the top and start opening down...like a draw-bridge or something like this.

Then I saw a fountain. The funny thing was there wasn't a water sprinkle from it, it was a gold light ( wiered ). I bypassed it and I found myself on a beach.After that everything that happened, was just a feeling. I couldn' see anythnig. It wasn't a picture, or a screen, or a dream, or anything, I just felt it. There was someone waiting for me.I wasn't curious, I just knew I must go and see the being. I was so calm, unbelieveble. Normaly I am pretty nervous to meet unknown people. So...I came nearer. Then I felf an attraction and I found myself hugged. I was hugged so gentle and it felt so cosily, I have no words to explain it. When I stepped back, I still couldn't see anything and anybody, but I knew who was it, that gave me this hug. There the madness comes now - it was me.

Me hugged me... Then...I stop breathing. It wasn't a force, I wasn't holding my breath. I just stopped breathing and I couldn't recall for how long, but it felt it was for longer than I would ever imagine I can bear without a breath. I could feel my heart beating, it became very silent and still.No any fibre of mine moved at all for a looong time... It was amazing!!! I was completely still with no any thought, no any sound - entire silence and no any movement of my body at all. I wasn't breathing !!! And it felt soooooo good!!! Then very slow my chest raised and some air penetrates through my nose veeeeeryyy slow to my lungs. It didn't hurt , but it was very, very slow and the first breath was very shallow, like a ray...and I hold it now in my chest, then breathed out very slow again. Then slowly my normal breathing came back.



I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience all above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attracted by the experience, I've described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate on this situation, I've described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'feel' separated, then united into the experience,described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be confused and afraid from the experience, described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed and scared to share this experience.

Reveal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to strive to be always 'right'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think my life experience is an equality for wisdom and 'knowledge'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself first of all as a woman, instead of me expressing me within and as oneness and equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to let myself giving others' advices about their lives, according to MY life experience.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself not to realize 'my opinion' has been shaped, manipulated and defined by my mind, not by me as equal as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, that the way I love my children and my beloved is 'pure' and right, labaled on base of the 'rules' what is right and what is wrong, what is for 'their benefit'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my ego as myself and to let my ego to create and rule my mind, which itself rules my perceptions and shapes my way to do conclusions about the life and that way transmute the product of my mind as 'my (right) way' of thinking and acting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my ego shaping my perception about myself as a woman, not as me as equals as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the fact I am a mother makes me different from other women, which are not mothers yet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe, that the fact I am a woman and a mother, makes me more aware of the life, the responsibilities and that my role in my children's life is main and stronger than all above refering to their father and all the rest of people in their life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel weak to detach from what my ego imposes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to afraid detaching from my 'precious' ego, because if I detach from it, I will stop exist as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to look for approvement and validation from the others of what I think, percept or express and that way create an expectation to be 'right' :(

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to respect myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to let my ego go, because then the whole my previous existance and me as defined 'me' will desappear and I will have to repalce it with something I still don't know what in fact it is.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to afraid of ego's detachment because I will 'feel' alone and lost and undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from creation as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suffer, tring to find the connection of the trinity - me, myself and I, or to define each of them (separating them) and to point which one is the 'real' one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create boards and to exist within the limitations of relashionships with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being a wife.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being a mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a woman.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as feminine.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I am weaker, because I am a woman.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to excuse my weakness, having an excuse, related to my sex, which doesn't justify it ( my weakness) at all.

After investigation "excusing others"

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me."
_____________

I've stopped and start investigating that. I don't say I haven't been thinking about it before. But since I am on this process I've learned to pay more attention on my thoughts,words and acts.

I am not sure how it came to let that happen. It seems it became natural for me to excuse people who hurt me. Someone would say it is an underestimation. No, I don't feel it like that. The first thought when it happens is to look for the other person's reason to act that way to me. So I ignore my act which has been the triger of situation and I focus on the other. In fact that's the way I create the suffer, my suffer. It's pretty obvious. Paying more attention on the reasons of the others, I judge myself, create the guilt, the shame...and doing it, it is me who punish me, not the other...it is ME who is hurting ME, it isn't the other...so to the end of the day I excuse the other, because it is ME responsible for any 'feelings'... Then, excusing them don't I judge them???

***********

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, excusing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judging the others, excusing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compromize my self-honesty, standing up for another as me through "understandig" others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct myself according others' directions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing the others, only to replace the System I am into by others' System, which isn't a progress, it is a trap.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others, to support and stimulate their suffer by supporting their System.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to nurture my ego by excising others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others to nurture their's ego too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others to interfere with their understandings without knowing well enough my owns.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to by excusing others, to build a great danger by experiencing what I tacitly create as separate from me.

Tired

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjU0Kr4--hQ

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience I've been separated from ONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling lower than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others as better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more advanced than any other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the other beings are more advanced than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist opening enough and stand brave and honest no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let all sorts of thoughts flashing constantly through my mind, letting it create illusions and beleive in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurten by people who underestimate me and separate me from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses not to focus on my process enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my process, trying to excuse myself been busy working and stadying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare, which is a form of judging and blaming, which itself is a separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and postpoin my life to start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the purpose of my life, puting on first place my obligations as: a wife, a worker, a friend, a subordinate, a mother, a sinner, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I deserve to be punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself by accepting been abused of my brother, who thinks I am obligated as a younger one to report him all the time what's going on with me, where I am, who I am with, why am I doing this and that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when my brother says: Stop using Internet!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controled by my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and malice to my brother and my husband and men as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my brother and my husband to tell me how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that men are more powerful and I as a woman I must accept that, submit and obey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and live as a second hand being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and resist my desires to live in a way I feel I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the thought that no matter what, if I'm born as a being, I want live as such - equal and one as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike, resist and avoid the thought that no mater what, I will die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shy and that way to stand as half-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to stand as real as I am and express myself as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always to make excuses for other people's behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for my behaviour towards the others and towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always to try to make others happy and sutisfied with me, even if the cause is selfharm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get harm and get hurt .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm and hurt myself deliberately.

Insight

I've run the water and the bath tab started to fill up. I sat on the edge of the bath tab, watching the water.

And a storm of thoughts broke in with the picture at front of my eyes. It was amazing how a power like water's one, coming with the whole it's strentgh, faced the strenght of bath tab's walls and accepted their shapes. But there was something funny. Water's power created billions of bubbles, but it didn't brake their shape, water's power didn't brake the bubbles, which are NOTHING, but empty bubbles...pure air surrounded of soooooo tiny walls of soap-bubbles. Apparently the empty soap bubbles, the NOTHING was stronger than the water or bath tab's walls?!? Then I slowly put my feet one by one inside...The water let me sink down and we became ONE - the bath tab, the water, the soap bubbles and me. Four powers, four strenghts, four ONE... There was a fusion of four streams, creating ONE and still subsisting as such.

How could I ever let myself to be anything else or anybody else but myself?!? It was like a thunder!!!
___________


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a laboratory for mind's production and that way poluting the whole my being by mind's rubbish - sadness, insult, underestimation, obedience, resignation, accomulation of angur towards the others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself for applying a "free" "personal" choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hopelessly enslaved by my false "beliefs" I am free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a mind's mould and store there anything but any parts of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be forced to play other's games and pay the price for it - becoming a bunch of crap.

I stop HERE and I choose the main role in the game named: "Who I am"

Stripping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entraped in numbers of slavories: money sistem, religion, "intelectual" growth, desires, feelings, emotions, consciousness, time, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function as a robot and copy other's behaviour, accepting it as a 'normal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'believe' there is something higher outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself myths to controle and direct me in the 'right' ways!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separated from the oneness and equality and that way to suffer, misjudge and underestimate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as something inferior and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image of a 'soul', placed somewhere deep inside me and treat 'it' in different ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the meaning of the word ONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' hurt, abused, loved, rejected, accepted, wanted, disliked, expected, judged, separated and DIFFERENT!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the only truly being I can and I must be - myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself been contaminated by imaginations: visual or mental ones.

I stop here.
I am as equal as one as life!

The Reflection

I had a strange freezing experience today. Still haven't got an explanation about it. I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and whilst drying them, glanced the mirror. You know how is it, I just can't help it - it's mainly a habit to do it. So I glanced it...

Suddenly I couldn't take my eyes of it. I mean I was watching my eyes at the mirror, well - not the eyes exactly, I fixed my eyes on my sight. It wasn't me who was looking at the reflection on the mirror. It was the reflaction on the mirror which was looking at me! It was freezing! It was a judging gaze, I was nailed down, I could almost hear: "What are you doing? Are you trying to get rid of me? Are you going to separate me? I won't let you do that!!!" It was a threat!

I became confused, I startled. It was my reflection, but it wasn't ME in the same time, it was someone else.

Then right after the startling, it made me laugh. It is not possible a reflection to threat me and give me orders, It's ridiculose...

I still can't explain the experience to myself, but in some way I am grateful about it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give and become a sanctuary to beings that controle and direct me.

I stop and I direct myself!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be threatened and directed by my mind, which is not ME!

I stop and I reject been threatened and directed by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on constantly my worst enemy - my mind!

I stop and I abandon it! I won't identify myself with it!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself and ignore it.

I stop and I embrace myself as equal as one.

Ain't feel nothing

http://www.imeem.com/erbapp/music/1dQPmkSK/zino-tommy-aint-feel-nothing/

Pain and Blame

Years ago while studied, I collapsed on my first visit in the operating room, but I stood still in the mortuary. I guess it sounds cynically. Then I spent 15 years working in a Surgical ward, facing life and death every single day.

I still do.

A woman with a mental disease ignited herself - died 72 hours after; 11 years old boy with a bowels cancer - teaching his mother how to pray - died 40 days after the opperation; a 26 years old pregnant woman with a first baby - came with mild contractions, found out an awful cancer is spread all around her body - lost the baby and died 23 days after the admission; 14 years old girl fell from her bycicle and that caused a brain injury, that left her immobile for the rest of her life; one of my closest friends for years - was brought on one of my night duties bitten to death from her husband, who btw shot himself right after the beating - she died 2 hours after arriving, he - 2 weeks after...

I can go on and go on and go on...So much pain...

Coming back home - sodden man, taking me for granted and treating me as an adjunct, family - worning me once I'm married to a man, there is no place for me back to them in ANY case - dead or alive, kids on my arms...So much pain...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist instead to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the rest of the people for the pain I or they experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame happenings for the pain in the world surrounding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think aboutwhat a lack of luck I have in my 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the time, the religions, the sociaty for the state of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the life for the whole PAIN I witnessed.


I stop now, I breath and I take the whole responsibility for every single happeneing in my life. It's my responsibility to let experience all the pain. I stand as equal as one as life!

I am a breath!

ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY53Rk-6-3I

Me as an alien

All my life I feel like an alien amongst the others. I was scared of it, I pushed myself to change, I made tens (maybe hundreds, thousands compromises) with myself, I still do it and it's not only a statement, I still judge myself about it.

But I can't help it... I never used to like talking let say e.g. about a fashion, gossiping, kniting, make up, trying to copy film stars, etc ;so I couldn't feel comfortable amongst female's company. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable in male's company because of the instilled sense of guilt I'm born as a girl and because of the rape ( I am so ashame to say it in voice)...I was scared to go in the church, cos I was ashamed I resist to go there, I just never used to trust God :( and that made me feel guilty about it too...So I have never belonged to either of these.

I used to underestimate everything I do or think. I was afraid to be spontaneous and honest because I could feel everything used to come deep from inside myself is entyrely opposite the world I live in. So I start avoid people. I felt comfortable alone. Then I still tryed to suppress the real being iside myself, cos I thought it's a 'sin'...

But I couldn't help - I was happy to be alone. Books, music, nature's pictures or been there ( in the thick of the wood, on a secluded beach, sat on a remote bench) - that makes me calm, that makes me more confident. I have always known there is a high barrier between me and the world I live in.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according believes I in fact have never had and accepted inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer and torture myself for not been good enough for my family, never good enough for my husband and never good enough to be accepted from the 'sociaty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am APART of beings that are already on a process of self realization. I do accept I am A PART of the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live within sociaty's boundary and accept it as the only possible place to live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of the emptiness inside , developed for the last 8 years .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself suffering from this emptiness ,insted to be happy I managed not to replace the peace within me with some usesless desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see the whole 'picture' of my life, but focus on some small pieces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a desire to find the purpose of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make a balance of what is inside and what is outside, wich itselfs brought me a great suffer.

Standing against the robot

Work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...to a state to become a robot.

How many and what great constant efforts I have done to assist the programme to keep this robot active. Copying all the rest of the robots - being a small 'person', having a 'small' partner, living in a small 'safe home' with small thoughts, yet with great desires, dreams and hopes... Yeah - bunch of craps, as a friend of mine said ones to me.

Shame on me! But to be honest, it's not the shame, but the pain in me that makes me angry...to myself. I try not to be, but 'feels' like walking against the wind... To a point I can't breath!!! Which suddenly wakes up my will to live and I open the whole my being as a deep breath, so I do transform the wind just as a deep breath.

And so I breath!...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a need of relationship to feel completed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my children are MINE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear I will have no money enough to raise my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make efforts to improve the quality , purpose and intention of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought there is a creator of this world and I am his/its creature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to correct my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid perfectly structured situations that give me opprotunities to express myself as my realself, by doing the opposite and been someone else, but not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a screen and hiding behind it, having that way a false sense of security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison myself with negative thoughts, judging every single my step and feeling a guilt I am never right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my needs, but working on the fulfilment of the others' needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself unintentionally and intentioanlly.

Listen with me

http://www.imeem.com/iacbabe/music/cFIRMgbw/shalimar-sector-garden-of-lust/

TETE-A-TETE

It's Saturday.
I'm alone. I've prepared a meal, spent an hour and little bit more, set it up nicely on the table and got a glass of wine. No TV, no PC, no music. Twilight and silance... and me...and 'ME'. Hm...feels crowdy. I can lock the door, isolate myself amongst the walls, but a presence is there, I can not get rid of it. It is in me, it is ME!!! I have no power enough to ignore it or isolate from it...yet. It's a vicious circle. And it is difficult to break its line...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my perceptions according to my feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the being 'ME'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bounded of a sociaty and asked it to accept me instead to set myself free of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused and unable to distinguish what's the purpose for all the suffer in certain way I do attract to my existence.

I forgive myself that I have let a certain programme to set me up as the person I think I am.

I forgive myself that I let myself to equalise to the programme built in me and constantly feed and support it, vanishing that way my real-self and not knowing it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have beLIEfs, that I thought they are the base of the exsistance and I felt pleasure of having these beLIEfs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having desires which is a magnet for any feelings and sensations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself mixed up living with existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself perceiving the shelter I live under gives me some safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a need of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a need of answers for causes and effects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a will to receive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a victim.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept me for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not considered myself important.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider myself not worthy.

I forgive myself that I have been afraid.I forgive myself that I have let the others to control me.

I forgive myself that I not breathed and felt me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be "here".

I forgive myself that I have thought of myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing everything - when it doesn't exist anyway.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed inner conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear death.

I forgive myself that I have resisted doing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have always wanted to blame others for my problems instead of seeing them as equal and one with me.

I forgive myself that I fear fear itself.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to accept mental pain as normal for me.

I cought myself recently saying quite often to others: "I know how you feeling". I used to avoid saying it, because mainly we couldn't know it in fact. It's just a way to have compassion on them. And it wouldn't be fair to say empty words.

So I realized I'm saying the above and I realized how many feelings I let to hold me, to rule me and to destroy, ruine me.

I don't dream very often, or to be more correct, I very rare remember my dreams. But I remember two dreams from my childhood and I kept thinking and remebering them through the years. On the first one, I was standing on my street, watching our house burning, knowing my family is there, crying and screaming for help.I was so scared they are going to burn there and I'm going to be alone for the whole of my rest of life. An old lady was holding me and she didn't let me approach the house at all.I woke up crying.

On the other one I was standing on the middle of the road, facing a lion, showing me his teeth, growling and a saliva dripping from his mouth. I could feel it was just a matter of time the lion to attact me and eat me, but it didn't. It was just staring at me and like deliberately torturing me by showing me how powerful it is and how close I am to my death. The oddest thing was, we were just me and the lion on the road, and the road was fairly wide and long, so I could just turn back and run away. But I couldn't in fact. I was standing nailed to the ground, the fear was stronger than me. In fact I was physically making an effort to detach my feet from the ground and I still coildn't. I woke up hardly breathing.

Years and years passed and I kept remembering this both derams. I know by now the meaning of them, or maybe rather I have my own reading of these derams. The main thing of course is the fear. I let the fear to possess me to a degree I became a slave to it. I let the it to nail me and delay me on my journey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to make my family happy with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live my life the way my father and my brother decided to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling guilty I've been born for I understood my mother didn't want me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my brother to decide what my future to be ( for me it was the music, but for him it wasn't appropriate a woman to live amongst men).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my family to suppress me as a semi-human being, just because I was born a girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up be a singer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed I'm a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling guilty I am not good enough for my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed I've been raped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to marry a man my family decided he's good for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my husband be my master.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my husband and my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be a slave of my fears.

2012
Quotations from a book I'm reading: Part 2

Mirroring our culture, we had chosen to pursue altered states in a destructive way - one that accorded with our unconscious nihilism...There might be lost modalities of consciousness, inconvinient possibilities of being, suppressed by the swarming distractions and anxieties of contemporary life.

What if the evolution of consciousness, rather than an adaptive quirk of the brain, wa sactually the central drama, purpose and point, of our whole show? There are, we shall see, philosophers and psychoanalysts, mystics and physicits who propose that this is the case. Inner development is an eccentric process, advancing in sudden jumps, in revelatory sparksand fizzles - each person is his or her own private universe. Strenghtened by suffering and crisis, consciousness does not reach a new intensity according to any predicably lenar progress that can be graphed by the tools of modern science. It follows its own wayward path.

What if this deepening of awareness takes place in the margins, in the nooks and crannies of contemporary life, like a weed flowering out of the thinnest sidewalk crack? Could it be, as the somnolent masses and the professional classes press forward in the old direction, seeking the same old rewards, that the new thing self-organizes out of chaos and noise, asserts itself in fragility and silence, then takes root and vitalizes until it suddenly manifests as established truth? If something like this was the case, we would be surprised at first - even shocked - but then it might occur to us: Perhaps it has always happened this way...

...Friedrich Nietzsche found the will to superficiality - an embrace of the trivial and an instinctive avoidance of anything troubling, profound, or anomalous - to be a healthy impulse and innate tendency in the ordinary human psyche. He believed that this instinct was also hidden beneath most of the confident postulates of science. "Here and there we understand and laugh at the way in which precisely science at its best seeks most to keepus in this simlified, thoroughly artificial, suitably constructed and suitably falsified world - at the way in which, willy-nilly, it loves error, because, being alive, it loves life", he wrote in Beyond Good and Evil. This instinct toward the false and the flighty protected against the chance "that one might get a hold of the truth too soon, before man has become strong enough, hard enough, artist enough" to handle it. Nietzsche proposed that the "seeker ahter the knowledge", the "opposote-man", was "secretly lured and pushed forward by his cruelty, by those dangerous thrills of cruelty turned against oneself." The insistence on the truth was " a violation, a desire to hurt the basic will of the spirit which unceasingly strives for the apparent and superficial."

A civilization relies upon a set of unconscious agreements as to what constitutes meaning and can be allowed into discourse. When faced with information that falls outside these parameters, cultures and individuals alike forget or neglect, or actively suppress, the ill-fitting data. Yet the repressed elements return to haunt us eventually, psychologists tell us, as dissociated projections of our psyche. Ultimately, the only model of reality that can sustain us is that accounts for even the most intractable and seemingly anomalous aspects of our experience. Card Jung wrote:

We are living in what Creeks called the kairos - the right moment...This peculiarity of our time, which is certainly not of our conscious choosing, is the expression of the unconscious man within us who is changing.

Despite what we might like to be the case, we may have no choice but to become "hard enough, strong enough, artist enough" to assist in this change...

To be continued

2012

Quotations from a book I'm reading:

...Human concsiousness is rapidly transitioning to a new state, a new intensity of awareness that will manifest itself as a different understanding, a transformed realization, of time and space and self. By this thesis, the transition is already under way - though largely subliminally - and will become increasingly evident as we approach the year 2012...
If we were to experience a change in our way of thinking, the world could be transformed once again.
Approaching this subject requires "uninhibited fingers for the unfathomable," to borrow a phrase from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzshe. It was Nietzshe, that solitary visionary and destroyer of false values, who noted that much of what we take for knowledge - even in science - is actually a projection of our psychology onto the world. Our thinking tends to circle around established conventions whose basis is forgotten or obscure. Nietzshe proposed that the attainment of knowledge requires a "solid, granite foundation of ignorance" for its unfolding - "the will to knowledge on the foundation of a far more powerful will: the will to ignorance, to the uncertain, to the untrue! Not as its opposite, but - as its refinement!"
...Each person has to go through their own individual process, confronting their habitual mechanism of avoidance and denial, overcoming their fear and conditioned cynicism. This process happens in stages...
...For over a thousands years, the genuises of the Mayan and Toltec civilizations that predicted the Aztecs were fixated on codifying their understanding of time, memorializing it in their stone architecture and sculpture. According to their precise calculations, the Earh was approaching a cycle, and the potential gateway to a higher level of manifestation. This approaching milestone also marks a rare astronomical event: the alignment of the Earth and the Sun with the "dark rift" at the center of the Milky Way on the winter solstice of December 21, 2012. A large chapter in human history will be coming to an end. All the values and assumptions of the previous World Age will expire, and new phase of human growth will commence." This is a natural process, in which new life follows a death...
...Our modern world is based upon fundamentally flawed conceptions of time and mind, on these fatal defects we had erected a flawed civilization - like building a tower on an unsound foundation that becomes increasingly wobbly as it rises - then logic might indicate the necessity, as well as the inevitability, of change. Such a shift would not be be the "end of the world", but the end of a world, and the opening of the next one.
To be continued.

Listen with me

http://www.imeem.com/people/_JToB2q/music/AhsndAnT/yiddu_delhi_tender_touch/

http://www.imeem.com/people/0sKVFy9/music/c5kaZJCC/mastermind_wanna_give_you_shelter/

http://www.imeem.com/rainer58/music/Y9dvVzPG/jason_tyrello_what_the_memories_say_sunfade_mix/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB5akMXV9hM&feature=PlayList&p=207B7E3A51C3EC12&index=3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TukAPkmiko

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nTEN9FVw4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zim3PT1VNU8

My very first Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend decades creating a person, I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up to other's expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from the resposnsibility to be my real-self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my decisions are mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my choices are mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a 'religion', following it completely imlicitly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for everything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and scared to LIVE in my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed to share my self-forgiveness.