I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think that selfforgiveness demeans me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to escape from the responsibility I am the one, who creates my reality.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to become a slave of my ego's illusions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself letting be emotionally blackmailed and acting under this supression.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed of the mistakes I have done and continue to do.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be afraid and ashamed of the stones the others throw on me, then judge myself about it.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think I must fight to deserve others' respect, friendship and love.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to act regarding of what the others will think about me.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that my self worth is the same as that of every other's, no more no less.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that selfforgiving and loving without needing anything from the others is my real protection not to be hurt.

I forgive myself that I have not completely realised that I abuse others when I hold them responsible for what I have created and still do.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and not accepted myself exactly as I am - equal and one as life.

I appreciate and respect myself.

Weird

I closed my eyes and tried to withdraw from my thoughts, to be an observer.

It became a messy chaos and everything was going so quick, so I couldn't catch all of them. I was comletely awake and at some point I focused my look and I saw a path. It was a bit windy, the path narrow and gravel, but I knew I must go on. So I went further. It became quiet and I saw a gate. I've opened the gate and I entered a room. The only thing in the room was an wooden table and a small wooden bench. I sat on the bench and start waiting. I have no idea what/who I was waiting for. Just knew I have to wait. I stood up and approached the wall. There was a door on this wall. I've reached the handle to open it, but suddenly the whole wall opened ( in a way like the wall slided from the top and start opening down...like a draw-bridge or something like this.

Then I saw a fountain. The funny thing was there wasn't a water sprinkle from it, it was a gold light ( wiered ). I bypassed it and I found myself on a beach.After that everything that happened, was just a feeling. I couldn' see anythnig. It wasn't a picture, or a screen, or a dream, or anything, I just felt it. There was someone waiting for me.I wasn't curious, I just knew I must go and see the being. I was so calm, unbelieveble. Normaly I am pretty nervous to meet unknown people. So...I came nearer. Then I felf an attraction and I found myself hugged. I was hugged so gentle and it felt so cosily, I have no words to explain it. When I stepped back, I still couldn't see anything and anybody, but I knew who was it, that gave me this hug. There the madness comes now - it was me.

Me hugged me... Then...I stop breathing. It wasn't a force, I wasn't holding my breath. I just stopped breathing and I couldn't recall for how long, but it felt it was for longer than I would ever imagine I can bear without a breath. I could feel my heart beating, it became very silent and still.No any fibre of mine moved at all for a looong time... It was amazing!!! I was completely still with no any thought, no any sound - entire silence and no any movement of my body at all. I wasn't breathing !!! And it felt soooooo good!!! Then very slow my chest raised and some air penetrates through my nose veeeeeryyy slow to my lungs. It didn't hurt , but it was very, very slow and the first breath was very shallow, like a ray...and I hold it now in my chest, then breathed out very slow again. Then slowly my normal breathing came back.



I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to experience all above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be attracted by the experience, I've described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to participate on this situation, I've described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to 'feel' separated, then united into the experience,described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be confused and afraid from the experience, described above.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to be ashamed and scared to share this experience.

Reveal

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to strive to be always 'right'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think my life experience is an equality for wisdom and 'knowledge'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself first of all as a woman, instead of me expressing me within and as oneness and equality of life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to let myself giving others' advices about their lives, according to MY life experience.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself not to realize 'my opinion' has been shaped, manipulated and defined by my mind, not by me as equal as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to think, that the way I love my children and my beloved is 'pure' and right, labaled on base of the 'rules' what is right and what is wrong, what is for 'their benefit'.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define my ego as myself and to let my ego to create and rule my mind, which itself rules my perceptions and shapes my way to do conclusions about the life and that way transmute the product of my mind as 'my (right) way' of thinking and acting.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to let my ego shaping my perception about myself as a woman, not as me as equals as one as life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe the fact I am a mother makes me different from other women, which are not mothers yet.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe, that the fact I am a woman and a mother, makes me more aware of the life, the responsibilities and that my role in my children's life is main and stronger than all above refering to their father and all the rest of people in their life.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to feel weak to detach from what my ego imposes.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to afraid detaching from my 'precious' ego, because if I detach from it, I will stop exist as myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted to look for approvement and validation from the others of what I think, percept or express and that way create an expectation to be 'right' :(

I forgive myself that I haven't allowed and accepted myself to respect myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to let my ego go, because then the whole my previous existance and me as defined 'me' will desappear and I will have to repalce it with something I still don't know what in fact it is.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to afraid of ego's detachment because I will 'feel' alone and lost and undefined.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to separate myself from creation as me.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to suffer, tring to find the connection of the trinity - me, myself and I, or to define each of them (separating them) and to point which one is the 'real' one.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to create boards and to exist within the limitations of relashionships with other beings.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being a wife.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as being a mother.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as a woman.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to define myself as feminine.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to believe I am weaker, because I am a woman.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to excuse my weakness, having an excuse, related to my sex, which doesn't justify it ( my weakness) at all.

After investigation "excusing others"

"I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me."
_____________

I've stopped and start investigating that. I don't say I haven't been thinking about it before. But since I am on this process I've learned to pay more attention on my thoughts,words and acts.

I am not sure how it came to let that happen. It seems it became natural for me to excuse people who hurt me. Someone would say it is an underestimation. No, I don't feel it like that. The first thought when it happens is to look for the other person's reason to act that way to me. So I ignore my act which has been the triger of situation and I focus on the other. In fact that's the way I create the suffer, my suffer. It's pretty obvious. Paying more attention on the reasons of the others, I judge myself, create the guilt, the shame...and doing it, it is me who punish me, not the other...it is ME who is hurting ME, it isn't the other...so to the end of the day I excuse the other, because it is ME responsible for any 'feelings'... Then, excusing them don't I judge them???

***********

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself, excusing others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself judging the others, excusing myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to compromize my self-honesty, standing up for another as me through "understandig" others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to direct myself according others' directions.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing the others, only to replace the System I am into by others' System, which isn't a progress, it is a trap.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others, to support and stimulate their suffer by supporting their System.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to nurture my ego by excising others.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others to nurture their's ego too.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself by excusing others to interfere with their understandings without knowing well enough my owns.

I forgive myself that I have allowed and accepted myself to by excusing others, to build a great danger by experiencing what I tacitly create as separate from me.

Tired

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hjU0Kr4--hQ

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to experience I've been separated from ONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I'm different.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling lower than others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to take others as better than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am more advanced than any other beings.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think the other beings are more advanced than me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist opening enough and stand brave and honest no matter what.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let all sorts of thoughts flashing constantly through my mind, letting it create illusions and beleive in them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to excuse people who hurt me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hurten by people who underestimate me and separate me from them.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to look for excuses not to focus on my process enough.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delay my process, trying to excuse myself been busy working and stadying.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to compare, which is a form of judging and blaming, which itself is a separation.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wait and postpoin my life to start.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to manifest the purpose of my life, puting on first place my obligations as: a wife, a worker, a friend, a subordinate, a mother, a sinner, etc.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I deserve to be punished.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself by accepting been abused of my brother, who thinks I am obligated as a younger one to report him all the time what's going on with me, where I am, who I am with, why am I doing this and that.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty when my brother says: Stop using Internet!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be controled by my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hate my brother.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel anger and malice to my brother and my husband and men as a whole.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my brother and my husband to tell me how to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself that men are more powerful and I as a woman I must accept that, submit and obey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel and live as a second hand being.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike and resist my desires to live in a way I feel I want to.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist the thought that no matter what, if I'm born as a being, I want live as such - equal and one as life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to dislike, resist and avoid the thought that no mater what, I will die.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling fear of death.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel shy and that way to stand as half-honest.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my desire to stand as real as I am and express myself as such.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always to make excuses for other people's behaviour.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make excuses for my behaviour towards the others and towards me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself always to try to make others happy and sutisfied with me, even if the cause is selfharm.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get harm and get hurt .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to harm and hurt myself deliberately.

Insight

I've run the water and the bath tab started to fill up. I sat on the edge of the bath tab, watching the water.

And a storm of thoughts broke in with the picture at front of my eyes. It was amazing how a power like water's one, coming with the whole it's strentgh, faced the strenght of bath tab's walls and accepted their shapes. But there was something funny. Water's power created billions of bubbles, but it didn't brake their shape, water's power didn't brake the bubbles, which are NOTHING, but empty bubbles...pure air surrounded of soooooo tiny walls of soap-bubbles. Apparently the empty soap bubbles, the NOTHING was stronger than the water or bath tab's walls?!? Then I slowly put my feet one by one inside...The water let me sink down and we became ONE - the bath tab, the water, the soap bubbles and me. Four powers, four strenghts, four ONE... There was a fusion of four streams, creating ONE and still subsisting as such.

How could I ever let myself to be anything else or anybody else but myself?!? It was like a thunder!!!
___________


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a laboratory for mind's production and that way poluting the whole my being by mind's rubbish - sadness, insult, underestimation, obedience, resignation, accomulation of angur towards the others and myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to delude myself for applying a "free" "personal" choice.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be hopelessly enslaved by my false "beliefs" I am free.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become a mind's mould and store there anything but any parts of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be forced to play other's games and pay the price for it - becoming a bunch of crap.

I stop HERE and I choose the main role in the game named: "Who I am"

Stripping

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be entraped in numbers of slavories: money sistem, religion, "intelectual" growth, desires, feelings, emotions, consciousness, time, etc...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to function as a robot and copy other's behaviour, accepting it as a 'normal'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'believe' there is something higher outside of myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself myths to controle and direct me in the 'right' ways!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be separated from the oneness and equality and that way to suffer, misjudge and underestimate myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to perceive myself as something inferior and unworthy.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create an image of a 'soul', placed somewhere deep inside me and treat 'it' in different ways.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to misunderstand the meaning of the word ONE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'feel' hurt, abused, loved, rejected, accepted, wanted, disliked, expected, judged, separated and DIFFERENT!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suppress the only truly being I can and I must be - myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself been contaminated by imaginations: visual or mental ones.

I stop here.
I am as equal as one as life!

The Reflection

I had a strange freezing experience today. Still haven't got an explanation about it. I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and whilst drying them, glanced the mirror. You know how is it, I just can't help it - it's mainly a habit to do it. So I glanced it...

Suddenly I couldn't take my eyes of it. I mean I was watching my eyes at the mirror, well - not the eyes exactly, I fixed my eyes on my sight. It wasn't me who was looking at the reflection on the mirror. It was the reflaction on the mirror which was looking at me! It was freezing! It was a judging gaze, I was nailed down, I could almost hear: "What are you doing? Are you trying to get rid of me? Are you going to separate me? I won't let you do that!!!" It was a threat!

I became confused, I startled. It was my reflection, but it wasn't ME in the same time, it was someone else.

Then right after the startling, it made me laugh. It is not possible a reflection to threat me and give me orders, It's ridiculose...

I still can't explain the experience to myself, but in some way I am grateful about it.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give and become a sanctuary to beings that controle and direct me.

I stop and I direct myself!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be threatened and directed by my mind, which is not ME!

I stop and I reject been threatened and directed by my mind.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to carry on constantly my worst enemy - my mind!

I stop and I abandon it! I won't identify myself with it!

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to lose myself.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to betray myself and ignore it.

I stop and I embrace myself as equal as one.

Ain't feel nothing

http://www.imeem.com/erbapp/music/1dQPmkSK/zino-tommy-aint-feel-nothing/

Pain and Blame

Years ago while studied, I collapsed on my first visit in the operating room, but I stood still in the mortuary. I guess it sounds cynically. Then I spent 15 years working in a Surgical ward, facing life and death every single day.

I still do.

A woman with a mental disease ignited herself - died 72 hours after; 11 years old boy with a bowels cancer - teaching his mother how to pray - died 40 days after the opperation; a 26 years old pregnant woman with a first baby - came with mild contractions, found out an awful cancer is spread all around her body - lost the baby and died 23 days after the admission; 14 years old girl fell from her bycicle and that caused a brain injury, that left her immobile for the rest of her life; one of my closest friends for years - was brought on one of my night duties bitten to death from her husband, who btw shot himself right after the beating - she died 2 hours after arriving, he - 2 weeks after...

I can go on and go on and go on...So much pain...

Coming back home - sodden man, taking me for granted and treating me as an adjunct, family - worning me once I'm married to a man, there is no place for me back to them in ANY case - dead or alive, kids on my arms...So much pain...


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist instead to live.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame my family for my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the rest of the people for the pain I or they experience.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame happenings for the pain in the world surrounding me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think aboutwhat a lack of luck I have in my 'life'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the time, the religions, the sociaty for the state of mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to blame the life for the whole PAIN I witnessed.


I stop now, I breath and I take the whole responsibility for every single happeneing in my life. It's my responsibility to let experience all the pain. I stand as equal as one as life!

I am a breath!

ME

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FY53Rk-6-3I

Me as an alien

All my life I feel like an alien amongst the others. I was scared of it, I pushed myself to change, I made tens (maybe hundreds, thousands compromises) with myself, I still do it and it's not only a statement, I still judge myself about it.

But I can't help it... I never used to like talking let say e.g. about a fashion, gossiping, kniting, make up, trying to copy film stars, etc ;so I couldn't feel comfortable amongst female's company. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable in male's company because of the instilled sense of guilt I'm born as a girl and because of the rape ( I am so ashame to say it in voice)...I was scared to go in the church, cos I was ashamed I resist to go there, I just never used to trust God :( and that made me feel guilty about it too...So I have never belonged to either of these.

I used to underestimate everything I do or think. I was afraid to be spontaneous and honest because I could feel everything used to come deep from inside myself is entyrely opposite the world I live in. So I start avoid people. I felt comfortable alone. Then I still tryed to suppress the real being iside myself, cos I thought it's a 'sin'...

But I couldn't help - I was happy to be alone. Books, music, nature's pictures or been there ( in the thick of the wood, on a secluded beach, sat on a remote bench) - that makes me calm, that makes me more confident. I have always known there is a high barrier between me and the world I live in.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according believes I in fact have never had and accepted inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer and torture myself for not been good enough for my family, never good enough for my husband and never good enough to be accepted from the 'sociaty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am APART of beings that are already on a process of self realization. I do accept I am A PART of the process.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live within sociaty's boundary and accept it as the only possible place to live in.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be frightened of the emptiness inside , developed for the last 8 years .

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself suffering from this emptiness ,insted to be happy I managed not to replace the peace within me with some usesless desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself not to see the whole 'picture' of my life, but focus on some small pieces.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a desire to find the purpose of life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to make a balance of what is inside and what is outside, wich itselfs brought me a great suffer.

Standing against the robot

Work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...work, bath, bed...to a state to become a robot.

How many and what great constant efforts I have done to assist the programme to keep this robot active. Copying all the rest of the robots - being a small 'person', having a 'small' partner, living in a small 'safe home' with small thoughts, yet with great desires, dreams and hopes... Yeah - bunch of craps, as a friend of mine said ones to me.

Shame on me! But to be honest, it's not the shame, but the pain in me that makes me angry...to myself. I try not to be, but 'feels' like walking against the wind... To a point I can't breath!!! Which suddenly wakes up my will to live and I open the whole my being as a deep breath, so I do transform the wind just as a deep breath.

And so I breath!...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a need of relationship to feel completed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think my children are MINE.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define money as valuable.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have a fear I will have no money enough to raise my children.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to make efforts to improve the quality , purpose and intention of my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought there is a creator of this world and I am his/its creature.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist to correct my desires.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to avoid perfectly structured situations that give me opprotunities to express myself as my realself, by doing the opposite and been someone else, but not me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to build a screen and hiding behind it, having that way a false sense of security.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to poison myself with negative thoughts, judging every single my step and feeling a guilt I am never right.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to ignore my needs, but working on the fulfilment of the others' needs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to punish myself unintentionally and intentioanlly.