Me as an alien

All my life I feel like an alien amongst the others. I was scared of it, I pushed myself to change, I made tens (maybe hundreds, thousands compromises) with myself, I still do it and it's not only a statement, I still judge myself about it.

But I can't help it... I never used to like talking let say e.g. about a fashion, gossiping, kniting, make up, trying to copy film stars, etc ;so I couldn't feel comfortable amongst female's company. I used to feel extremely uncomfortable in male's company because of the instilled sense of guilt I'm born as a girl and because of the rape ( I am so ashame to say it in voice)...I was scared to go in the church, cos I was ashamed I resist to go there, I just never used to trust God :( and that made me feel guilty about it too...So I have never belonged to either of these.

I used to underestimate everything I do or think. I was afraid to be spontaneous and honest because I could feel everything used to come deep from inside myself is entyrely opposite the world I live in. So I start avoid people. I felt comfortable alone. Then I still tryed to suppress the real being iside myself, cos I thought it's a 'sin'...

But I couldn't help - I was happy to be alone. Books, music, nature's pictures or been there ( in the thick of the wood, on a secluded beach, sat on a remote bench) - that makes me calm, that makes me more confident. I have always known there is a high barrier between me and the world I live in.


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to live according believes I in fact have never had and accepted inside me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to suffer and torture myself for not been good enough for my family, never good enough for my husband and never good enough to be accepted from the 'sociaty'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think I am APART of beings that are already on a process of self realization. I do accept I am A PART of the process.