Listen with me

http://www.imeem.com/iacbabe/music/cFIRMgbw/shalimar-sector-garden-of-lust/

TETE-A-TETE

It's Saturday.
I'm alone. I've prepared a meal, spent an hour and little bit more, set it up nicely on the table and got a glass of wine. No TV, no PC, no music. Twilight and silance... and me...and 'ME'. Hm...feels crowdy. I can lock the door, isolate myself amongst the walls, but a presence is there, I can not get rid of it. It is in me, it is ME!!! I have no power enough to ignore it or isolate from it...yet. It's a vicious circle. And it is difficult to break its line...

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit my perceptions according to my feelings and emotions.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create the being 'ME'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be bounded of a sociaty and asked it to accept me instead to set myself free of it.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to get confused and unable to distinguish what's the purpose for all the suffer in certain way I do attract to my existence.

I forgive myself that I have let a certain programme to set me up as the person I think I am.

I forgive myself that I let myself to equalise to the programme built in me and constantly feed and support it, vanishing that way my real-self and not knowing it at all.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have beLIEfs, that I thought they are the base of the exsistance and I felt pleasure of having these beLIEfs.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having desires which is a magnet for any feelings and sensations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself mixed up living with existence.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself perceiving the shelter I live under gives me some safety.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a need of knowledge.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a need of answers for causes and effects.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself having a will to receive.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to be a victim.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to love myself unconditionally.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to accept me for who I am.

I forgive myself that I have not considered myself important.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to consider myself not worthy.

I forgive myself that I have been afraid.I forgive myself that I have let the others to control me.

I forgive myself that I not breathed and felt me in this moment.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be "here".

I forgive myself that I have thought of myself as inferior to others.

I forgive myself that I have accepted self-dishonesty.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear losing everything - when it doesn't exist anyway.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear standing alone.

I forgive myself that I have allowed inner conflict within myself.

I forgive myself that I have allowed myself to fear death.

I forgive myself that I have resisted doing self-forgiveness.

I forgive myself that I have always wanted to blame others for my problems instead of seeing them as equal and one with me.

I forgive myself that I fear fear itself.

I forgive myself that I allowed myself to accept mental pain as normal for me.

I cought myself recently saying quite often to others: "I know how you feeling". I used to avoid saying it, because mainly we couldn't know it in fact. It's just a way to have compassion on them. And it wouldn't be fair to say empty words.

So I realized I'm saying the above and I realized how many feelings I let to hold me, to rule me and to destroy, ruine me.

I don't dream very often, or to be more correct, I very rare remember my dreams. But I remember two dreams from my childhood and I kept thinking and remebering them through the years. On the first one, I was standing on my street, watching our house burning, knowing my family is there, crying and screaming for help.I was so scared they are going to burn there and I'm going to be alone for the whole of my rest of life. An old lady was holding me and she didn't let me approach the house at all.I woke up crying.

On the other one I was standing on the middle of the road, facing a lion, showing me his teeth, growling and a saliva dripping from his mouth. I could feel it was just a matter of time the lion to attact me and eat me, but it didn't. It was just staring at me and like deliberately torturing me by showing me how powerful it is and how close I am to my death. The oddest thing was, we were just me and the lion on the road, and the road was fairly wide and long, so I could just turn back and run away. But I couldn't in fact. I was standing nailed to the ground, the fear was stronger than me. In fact I was physically making an effort to detach my feet from the ground and I still coildn't. I woke up hardly breathing.

Years and years passed and I kept remembering this both derams. I know by now the meaning of them, or maybe rather I have my own reading of these derams. The main thing of course is the fear. I let the fear to possess me to a degree I became a slave to it. I let the it to nail me and delay me on my journey.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself trying to make my family happy with me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself live my life the way my father and my brother decided to be.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling guilty I've been born for I understood my mother didn't want me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my brother to decide what my future to be ( for me it was the music, but for him it wasn't appropriate a woman to live amongst men).

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself my family to suppress me as a semi-human being, just because I was born a girl.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to give up be a singer.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed I'm a woman.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself feeling guilty I am not good enough for my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed I've been raped.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to marry a man my family decided he's good for me.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to let my husband be my master.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of my husband and my family.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself be a slave of my fears.

2012
Quotations from a book I'm reading: Part 2

Mirroring our culture, we had chosen to pursue altered states in a destructive way - one that accorded with our unconscious nihilism...There might be lost modalities of consciousness, inconvinient possibilities of being, suppressed by the swarming distractions and anxieties of contemporary life.

What if the evolution of consciousness, rather than an adaptive quirk of the brain, wa sactually the central drama, purpose and point, of our whole show? There are, we shall see, philosophers and psychoanalysts, mystics and physicits who propose that this is the case. Inner development is an eccentric process, advancing in sudden jumps, in revelatory sparksand fizzles - each person is his or her own private universe. Strenghtened by suffering and crisis, consciousness does not reach a new intensity according to any predicably lenar progress that can be graphed by the tools of modern science. It follows its own wayward path.

What if this deepening of awareness takes place in the margins, in the nooks and crannies of contemporary life, like a weed flowering out of the thinnest sidewalk crack? Could it be, as the somnolent masses and the professional classes press forward in the old direction, seeking the same old rewards, that the new thing self-organizes out of chaos and noise, asserts itself in fragility and silence, then takes root and vitalizes until it suddenly manifests as established truth? If something like this was the case, we would be surprised at first - even shocked - but then it might occur to us: Perhaps it has always happened this way...

...Friedrich Nietzsche found the will to superficiality - an embrace of the trivial and an instinctive avoidance of anything troubling, profound, or anomalous - to be a healthy impulse and innate tendency in the ordinary human psyche. He believed that this instinct was also hidden beneath most of the confident postulates of science. "Here and there we understand and laugh at the way in which precisely science at its best seeks most to keepus in this simlified, thoroughly artificial, suitably constructed and suitably falsified world - at the way in which, willy-nilly, it loves error, because, being alive, it loves life", he wrote in Beyond Good and Evil. This instinct toward the false and the flighty protected against the chance "that one might get a hold of the truth too soon, before man has become strong enough, hard enough, artist enough" to handle it. Nietzsche proposed that the "seeker ahter the knowledge", the "opposote-man", was "secretly lured and pushed forward by his cruelty, by those dangerous thrills of cruelty turned against oneself." The insistence on the truth was " a violation, a desire to hurt the basic will of the spirit which unceasingly strives for the apparent and superficial."

A civilization relies upon a set of unconscious agreements as to what constitutes meaning and can be allowed into discourse. When faced with information that falls outside these parameters, cultures and individuals alike forget or neglect, or actively suppress, the ill-fitting data. Yet the repressed elements return to haunt us eventually, psychologists tell us, as dissociated projections of our psyche. Ultimately, the only model of reality that can sustain us is that accounts for even the most intractable and seemingly anomalous aspects of our experience. Card Jung wrote:

We are living in what Creeks called the kairos - the right moment...This peculiarity of our time, which is certainly not of our conscious choosing, is the expression of the unconscious man within us who is changing.

Despite what we might like to be the case, we may have no choice but to become "hard enough, strong enough, artist enough" to assist in this change...

To be continued

2012

Quotations from a book I'm reading:

...Human concsiousness is rapidly transitioning to a new state, a new intensity of awareness that will manifest itself as a different understanding, a transformed realization, of time and space and self. By this thesis, the transition is already under way - though largely subliminally - and will become increasingly evident as we approach the year 2012...
If we were to experience a change in our way of thinking, the world could be transformed once again.
Approaching this subject requires "uninhibited fingers for the unfathomable," to borrow a phrase from the philosopher Friedrich Nietzshe. It was Nietzshe, that solitary visionary and destroyer of false values, who noted that much of what we take for knowledge - even in science - is actually a projection of our psychology onto the world. Our thinking tends to circle around established conventions whose basis is forgotten or obscure. Nietzshe proposed that the attainment of knowledge requires a "solid, granite foundation of ignorance" for its unfolding - "the will to knowledge on the foundation of a far more powerful will: the will to ignorance, to the uncertain, to the untrue! Not as its opposite, but - as its refinement!"
...Each person has to go through their own individual process, confronting their habitual mechanism of avoidance and denial, overcoming their fear and conditioned cynicism. This process happens in stages...
...For over a thousands years, the genuises of the Mayan and Toltec civilizations that predicted the Aztecs were fixated on codifying their understanding of time, memorializing it in their stone architecture and sculpture. According to their precise calculations, the Earh was approaching a cycle, and the potential gateway to a higher level of manifestation. This approaching milestone also marks a rare astronomical event: the alignment of the Earth and the Sun with the "dark rift" at the center of the Milky Way on the winter solstice of December 21, 2012. A large chapter in human history will be coming to an end. All the values and assumptions of the previous World Age will expire, and new phase of human growth will commence." This is a natural process, in which new life follows a death...
...Our modern world is based upon fundamentally flawed conceptions of time and mind, on these fatal defects we had erected a flawed civilization - like building a tower on an unsound foundation that becomes increasingly wobbly as it rises - then logic might indicate the necessity, as well as the inevitability, of change. Such a shift would not be be the "end of the world", but the end of a world, and the opening of the next one.
To be continued.

Listen with me

http://www.imeem.com/people/_JToB2q/music/AhsndAnT/yiddu_delhi_tender_touch/

http://www.imeem.com/people/0sKVFy9/music/c5kaZJCC/mastermind_wanna_give_you_shelter/

http://www.imeem.com/rainer58/music/Y9dvVzPG/jason_tyrello_what_the_memories_say_sunfade_mix/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nB5akMXV9hM&feature=PlayList&p=207B7E3A51C3EC12&index=3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-TukAPkmiko

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1nTEN9FVw4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zim3PT1VNU8

My very first Self-Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to spend decades creating a person, I am not.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try to live up to other's expectations.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to escape from the resposnsibility to be my real-self.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to store moments as memories and believe them to be real, valuable and important.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my decisions are mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe my choices are mine.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to follow a 'religion', following it completely imlicitly.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to identify myself with my thoughts.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel guilty for everything in my life.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel ashamed and scared to LIVE in my way.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel fear of self-honesty.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to repeat the same mistakes.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be ashamed to share my self-forgiveness.